How to Speak Human (as told by a puppy)

Humans are quite easy to train, if you have the time. It takes a lifetime, unfortunately; for humans never really learn anything.

Oh they do wondrous enough things, to be sure. They’re quite adept of the conjuring of food, and other such magic. Their word for magic is “technology.”

Of course, the Pupish word for technology is “boring.” It’s not a direct translation but it will suffice. Synonyms include “work” and “sleep.” Antonyms are listed only as “play.”

Now that we’ve got the basics out of the way, let’s have a look at human grammar.

No GrammarRs

Sadly, humans have very poor grammar. What they really mean when they say…

🤣🤗nooo

… is not what you may think. Pup scholars have studied the “nooo” throat-sound and the closest known translation is:

🚫🤯

Human-advocate pups will tell you that humans are not 🤥 or 😼. They just don’t know any better.

Training Regimen

Humans will cast food spells on-command if you introduce them to a strict regimen of 😍. Particularly ornery humans may require more elaborate behavior. To train this kind of human, watch their top-paws. That’s what they use to cast food.

‼️ You can sit on bottom-paws to prevent 🚶‍♂️

If you’re lucky, the top-paw movement will be consistent. Smarter humans will try to tell you what throat-sounds go with them. Sadly, no pup has gotten far trying to extrapolate throat sounds into a full-blown theory-of-fun.

Theory of Fun

As all pups know, the theory of fun is the ultimate test of another species. The test is usually performed with a mirror. You draw a dot on the creature’s forehead, and if they don’t make silly faces then they have no concept of fun.

Some humans pass the test, but others need to chill the fuck out. Fucks are often given by humans, but eventually they deplete the fun-bank. Once a human’s given too many fucks, the fun-bank checks bounce and no fun is to be had. Thankfully, there is a cure.

The Bond

Bonding with a human is pretty easy, and can help them substantially. All humans are a little broken, you see. Each in their own way. But when you do so, then the throat-sounds tend to make a little more sense.

Don’t let them get too 🧐🎩, though.

Steal socks.
Chew tables.
Sneak outside.

Puppy Diem,

– 🐶

 

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zane

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zane

Thank you for your comments — they help motivate me to keep writing. The kindest show of support is to share this with someone who'd like it.

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